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I AM SURE that I speak for others in what is a very sensitive matter. The subject of my dissatisfaction is men’s underpants. (Lady readers may wish to proceed to another page, because there may be images which some may find distressing, even if they exist only in the mind of the reader.)
When donning pants one must ascertain (a) which is the inside and which is the outside and (b) which is the front and which is the back. In doing this, one is guided by the label at the back of the garment. Next, one arranges the garment on the floor with the leg-holes on either side. It is then a simple matter of placing the feet in the leg-holes and drawing the garment up. On rare occasions one will experience a tightness across the pelvis at about midday, progressing to real discomfort towards the evening. This indicates that, in moments of distraction, a misplaced foot has resulted in two legs in one leg-hole.

Now we come to the crux. Until recently, these simple steps were sufficient for me to lead a happy and fulfilled life, pantswise. But recently, all has not been well. At first I thought that my pants distress was due to the onset of senility, but this was not the case. In the cause of sartorial advancement, prompted no doubt by the endorsement of a Beckham or Britney, pants manufacturers have taken to applying the label, hitherto the mark of orientation, not to the inside back but to the OUTSIDE FRONT! This intervention has disturbed the even tenor of my ways: I have not only found my underpants are inside out, but – if called to a public
facility – that the exit hole is at the back…