If you like sheep, bondage or pylons, there’s an association for you. By Jonathan Sale
I first came across the Directory of British Associations when I was looking for the contact details of the Chewing Gum Action Group. I was wondering, ‘Do you take the stuff off bus seats or jam it on?’
I’d opened up a treasure trove. I soon stumbled on the Car Park Appreciation Society, which collects ‘interesting data on car parks’.
I found all this in the Directory of British Associations: A4-sized and the best part of two inches thick.
Behind that tedious title lurks a fascinating A-Z of British bodies:
7,200 names, aims and addresses of trade bodies, professional bodies, busybodies; pressure groups, amenity groups, support groups; followers of the arts and throwers of darts.
It is the gateway to everything from abattoirs to zoos, from the Adult Industry Trade Association (‘bondage, condoms, fetish, piercing’) to the Zwartbles Sheep Association (‘a breed to be proud of’).
It is what makes Britain quite so British, despite – or because of – the fact that it is inclusive enough to include the Stalin Society (‘membership data: not stated’).
Sadly, I have to break it to grammarians gently that the Apostrophe Protection Society no longer protects apostrophe’s (‘Don’t you mean ‘apostrophes?’ – Ed).
But the Pylon Appreciation Society is still there. On site visits, they might perhaps stumble across supine figures gazing up at the heavens; that’ll be a committee meeting of the Cloud Appreciation Society.
The bad news is that the British Association of Idiots hasn’t been sending in its entries since 2002. Presumably they had a problem finding the slot in the letter box.
The Association of Professional De-Clutterers and Organisers is still with us, thank God. By chance, my partner has just been in contact with them.
I would pass on the phone number she gave me if I could find the back of the envelope under the pile of newspapers on which it’s jotted down.
