As summer arrives, oldies should steer clear of bikinis and low necklines
No offence, but many oldies heading for the sun may now be cringing at the thought of exposing themselves.
The beach will force a moment of truth for those whose figures have gone. Whether we let our figures go, or they went of their own accord, is another matter. And of course some of us never had a figure in the first place.
But even if you intend to skip the beach on aesthetic grounds, the reality is that when you get to a hot country, it becomes more unbearable to swelter away in the baking heat than to feel the fear and strip off anyway.
The beach is like an AA meeting. It clears the air to be with others who have admitted themselves powerless.
Still, if you are prepared to shell out £300, there are things you can do to disguise the decay.
First, avoid the bikini. The very nature of a flimsy bikini top means it cannot offer enough support to hoick up even a modestly sized bust without the straps sawing their way into your shoulders and leaving angry marks.
Meanwhile – UTI alert. The very thin, almost ribbon-like gusset of the bikini can act as a wick, transporting the likes of Prevotella and Bacteriodes microbes from the back bottom to the front.
A one-piece swimsuit is key. Too low a neckline should be avoided to avoid bosom-bunching, and your swimsuit should be skirted or boy-shorted; 1950s-style skirted and boy-shorted swimsuits have made a huge comeback this year. The skirts and shorts screen off the top of the inside leg where some of the worst withering and pouching is likely to occur.
Fake tans are common and real tans are dangerous
More importantly, they screen off what is known in fashion-shooting circles as ‘the camel toe’. Those modelling high-legged swimwear for Vogue will be well acquainted with the waterdrop- shaped camel-toe-concealers that are placed by stylists inside a costume.
As an expert puts it, they ‘disguise the unsightly frontal wedge caused by form-fitting clothing such as swimwear’.
While technically you will not need the camel-toe-concealer in a skirted or boy-shorted costume, you will probably still need one for the lounger.
Have a look online at Venezia, Panos Emporio’s V-neck wraparound skirted swimsuit or the Chloé Rose swimming costumes. There’s a plethora of skirted costumes. One-pieces with boy shorts can be viewed on SeaFancy or YouTube’s fashion channel.
You can refine your search until you find a high-necked, skirted, boned, ready-upholstered costume – meaning one with a bra and corset effectively built in. Some even have a power net at the waist.
If you can count on your oldie friends’ eyesight not being what it was, under the swimsuit wear a pair of matte stirrup tights. They’re made from a mixture of dense nylon and spandex, as worn by circus acrobats and ballerinas to give that super- taut, streamlined look to the legs.
They screen off cellulite, bulging veins and thread veins and give a pleasing uniformity and a neat, non-shimmer, matt finish. You can get them from Dancewear Central in suntan or light suntan.
Wear them in the sea or the pool with no problem. They make a dramatic difference. They may make you hotter but it will be worth it.
Should anyone at the pool enquire, ‘Are you wearing tights?’, just say, ‘Yes. They’re support tights.’ No need to elaborate.
But what about the face, arms, neck and shoulders? Fake tans are common and real tans are dangerous. Instead, pay £34 to Jones Road for their Miracle Balm in bronze. You can apply this all over and
it lends a completely natural, slightly suntanned look to the whole exposed area. A huge, wide-brimmed sunhat is de rigueur. It will make the lower body seem slender by comparison. Fling a featherweight kikoi around your shoulders when lounging and throw it off at the last minute when entering the water.
And don’t forget about pebble shoes.They make all the difference on stony beaches and render your progress across them more graceful. You can swim in them as well. I am amazed that in seaside towns pebble shoes are not more widely available.
And don’t forget – you are always going to look a hundred times better on a beach than anyone who has had a tattoo.
