Mankeeping refers to the ‘emotional labour’ women perform to ‘reduce the burden of men’s isolation’.
The term was coined by two Stanford University psychologists, Angelica Ferrara and Dylan P Vergara, who described it as a ‘component of gender inequality’ in a research paper published late last year.
The core idea is that heterosexual men are terrible at maintaining their own social networks. We let things drift with once dear friends. We leave WhatsApp threads dangling.
Even if we do, miraculously, make it to the pub, all we do is exchange Alan Partridge quotes and describe guitar solos – failing to enquire after the health of Tom’s mum or t0 ask whether he has a girlfriend.
It’s left men feeling lonely and isolated. One YouGov poll found that 18 per cent of British men did not have a best friend, while 32 per cent had no one they would even call a close friend.
And so it falls to the women in these men’s lives to organise the barbecues, keep up with the school parents, arrange weekends – and mop up the emotional discharge that seeps out when men fail to support one another properly.
As it happens, there was once a textbook mankeeping incident in my friendship group.
It began with my university mate Dan sending out an email complaining how we guys never saw each other any more and proposing a boys-only paintballing expedition as a remedy.
It later transpired that the email had been drafted by his girlfriend who was fed up with him hanging around the flat.
Still, I feel honour-bound to push back against the idea that if men don’t socialise in the ways women do, there’s something wrong with them.
I kick a football around with a bunch of creaking 40-somethings most Sundays, and jam at my mate Joe’s house every other Wednesday. We rarely have ‘deep meaningful conversations’ while performing these ‘surface-level activities’. But that doesn’t mean these activities are not deep and meaningful. I always emerge wonderfully refreshed.
I also wonder how many hours of emotional labour men put in listening to women detail the ups, downs, ins and outs of their female friendships.
Ah, but let’s not get defensive! What the science seems to be telling us here is that we should spend more time down the pub – advice it would be foolish to ignore. Richard Godwin
