Narcissism is, apparently, the next big thing. The word is being bandied about frequently at the moment to describe a certain personality. Boris Johnson is an obvious example. Perceived as an arrogant, pushy womaniser, he often attracts the tag. But is he a narcissist?
He might be – he certainly appears to have the characteristic inner well of neediness. But a true narcissist is much more than someone who simply seems full of him- or herself.
Everyone has a streak of narcissism. We need self-interest and self-confidence to survive, and all of us can behave selfishly and unkindly. Most of us, though, have our narcissistic traits tempered by our empathetic ones. We know we’ve behaved badly, experience regret and remorse, consider how others feel, and apologise (sincerely). And we can act against our own interests for the good of others we care or feel for. That makes us normal.
As a novelist, I’m intrigued by character, and my investigation into narcissism has changed everything I thought I knew about people. Narcissism, with other personality disorders such as sociopathy and psychopathy, explains a whole raft of previously bewildering behaviours. It makes sense of callous people, who use others, who show no regret for the suffering they cause, and who consider their own needs and feelings above all else.
Narcissism is essentially a self-defence mechanism that forms very early in life. The key narcissistic trait is a lack of emotional empathy, although some narcissists can fake it pretty well by demonstrating cognitive empathy, ie acting (they don’t know this, by the way).
They are extremely touchy and sensitive to criticism, even if they hide this brilliantly. They feel entitled – to love, attention, money, sex, food ... everything. They are deeply self-centred and their needs are paramount. If they act in a selfless or kind way, they are still doing it to benefit themselves, for what they will get in return. They are manipulative and critical, some out loud and some
silently – but even in silence they are always judging and you are always found wanting. They blame others for everything and take responsibility for nothing – again, they might hide this very well. They are chronic liars and easily rewrite history to suit themselves. They are expert at deflection and blame- shifting. They are prone to withdrawal if they don’t like what’s happening, whether by silent treatment, stomping sulkily away or leaving for good.
What makes narcissism particularly pernicious is that – usually – the sufferer has no idea that he or she has this disorder. A narcissist cannot change, and there is no cure.
This is not a comprehensive guide (and there are fascinating books, podcasts and YouTube videos available if you want to know more). But if any of these types sounds familiar, then you might be involved with a narcissist – whether it’s a friend, co-worker, family member or, worst of all, your intimate partner.
The Show-Off Narcissist is the easiest to spot. Loud and attention- grabbing, this narc is also childish, preening and deeply sensitive. Able to hand out insults and criticism, this narc wilts briefly when wounded, but bounces back to punish you with belittlement and loud insults and accusations.
The Charismatic Narcissist is often good-looking, successful and funny, but obsessed with fulfilling their need for money/sex/ the finer things in life. Their luxurious lifestyle and circle of friends hides the empty exploiter inside.
The Angel Narcissist maintains a façade of being practically perfect and saintly. Often devoted to charity work, they keep their claws in until they’re alone with their partner or family. They have no true empathy; they help people only so far as to get them what they want and to enhance their caring reputation.
They are shameless in moving on from their mistakes, criticising and blaming others for everything, but hold grudges for ever. Think Meghan Markle.
The Thug Narcissist is the kind who simply punches you in the face when they don’t like what you say or do. Utterly entitled and with no conception of others as people having thoughts and feelings, they can be physically callous and cruel without a shred of regret.
The Covert Narcissist is the most dangerous kind. Often clever, educated, attractive and charming, they adopt an affable exterior that hides the cold, unfeeling and spiteful child inside.
This narcissist often plays victim. Nothing is their fault – in fact, they are suffering much worse than anyone. They use silent criticism, lies and transactions to manipulate and invalidate, particularly their partner. Life with the covert might seem happy at first, but eventually the misery of being their emotional slave is too much.
If any of this rings a bell, beware. Watch out for explaining away narcissistic behaviour because you are naturally kind and forgiving. Trust your instinct, and value actions over words. If you do finally see that something is very wrong, do not waste your time trying to cure the narcissist. Attempting communication is futile. The only way is to have as little to do with them as possible – ideally cut them entirely out of your life. As narcissism expert H G Tudor says, ‘Once you know ... you go.’
Lulu Taylor’s The Forgotten Tower
(Macmillan) is out now
